I can feel that something is about to come out and I need to make a change.
over time, I do realise that I know what I want for my life….a big achievement.
I cannot live in wonderland for the rest of my life and it’s time to come out and shout.
I remember that there was a big snow in 2000. At that time, I was still in my hometown and preparing that bloody entry examination for university. It has been a tough year for me and I refused to get out to enjoy the rare but beautiful white. Most people in China say our 12-year studies in school are simply made to exchange for that single exam and it gives away how important that exam is. That year, I prayed for a good university.
This year, I am in Oxford. I see the rare but beautiful white from my window again. I feel that I am stressed as I was 10 years ago. This time, it’s about getting this thesis done! I realise that it has been 10 years in university. It has certainly been the most memorable 10 years in life so far.
I made a special trip back to China. It has been rare as I had never gone back to China twice a year. Apparently, my parents was worried that I have been away for too long and had no idea about any Chinese custom and culture. I was ask to come back home as often as possible to prepare for my destined journey back home. I never thought that it has been all planned the moment I stepped out of China, but it seemed to be so. For my own life, I only asked once and successfully achieved what I wanted. I know deep in my mind, I have always been timid and compliant. I become more and more scared and feel that I am no long willing to challenge my life as I did seven years ago. Never mind, I actually don’t know what I want for my life. How can I follow my heart.
Having said this, actually I kind of enjoyed this trip. Perhaps the fact that I was recognised as their sort made my day. I have always insisted that who I am as I am, and wished to be treated as who else around. They did, as I am about to stepped out of the campus and as I am in my late 20s.
Apparently I haven’t visited my site for quite a while. I wonder what the hell I was doing…I realise that I was working on some project – try to figure out what it is about. It took so long to get to any point I would be happy with. I sometimes doubted my intelligence, sometimes felt very insecure, sometime defeated like a loser, and sometimes idled like a doll. Although it sounds that I was suffering greatly, I did enjoy every single moment when I thought “I got it”. The moment always come unexpectedly and goes fast…I know I am not any better than I was yesterday, but I am much better than I was four years ago. That’s perhaps the most rewarding prize for me in these years.
They say that writing helps you thinking. I strongly agree. That’s perhaps why I take notes, keep diaries, write my thesis, etc. However, when I suddenly stopped writing today, I realised that I cannot think anymore. I think this is a sign of becoming or being a bookworm. I went in but I couldn’t get out anymore. I became very dependent on the stuff I supposed to use to only assist my work. If so, this is terribly unfortunate. A helpless and useless book worm was born today. It can either keep eating the books to survive in a miserable way or start a new life happy but die soon. Never to be a helpless and useless bookworm like this.
